


You can’t hide forever

by YourLocalJarHead



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connverse is in like one chapter, Corrupt Steven Universe, Corrupt gems, F/M, Feels Train, Steven needs a hug, Will update tags later if I need to XD, and a therapist XD, and it can also be seen platonically, corrupt steven theory, corrupted!steven, so yee - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-01-22 22:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21309406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourLocalJarHead/pseuds/YourLocalJarHead
Summary: Steven knows something’s wrong— he knows the gems probably know something is wrong. He knows this is probably all stupid and yet he continues to hide himself away from the people he loves. Steven knows it’s only a matter of time until he loses himself completely...
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 44
Kudos: 330





	1. Escapism

Steven woke up in much the same state he’d woken up in nearly everyday this past month. That was, incredibly tired and very uncomfortable. Not to mention the change in scenery, Steven being surrounded by the fluffy rose-coloured clouds that surrounded his mother’s room. He’d started sleeping there at least a week ago, in what could only be described as a petty attempt to avoid the gems, and by extension, his own problems. As great of a distraction as his mother’s room was, what with it being able to quite literally fulfil his every desire, he still wasn’t used to being in here. The room still made Steven feel a little... on edge? Or maybe that was just the fact his body was going through strange unprecedented changes, seemingly out of his own control. It was hard to tell, but the latter was why Steven was hiding up here in the clouds. He didn’t want the gems to know. He didn’t want them to freak out. He already felt like he’d been a burden to them, so Steven wanted to hide away for as long as he could manage. They where bound to come find him at some point. Steven was pretty sure they _knew something_ was wrong, they weren’t _stupid_ but.... Steven just— didn’t think he could face them. Steven wasn’t sure if he could face himself right now, but he _knew_ that no matter how many times he denied it, something was very, _very_ wrong. 

Steven sighed, rolling over in the make shift bed he’d had the room materialise for him. He also seemed to be in a constant state of confliction as of late, especially when it came to think about what was actually happening to him and why. He knew it was probably stupid he was trying to hide from the gems. He knew really that the gems would be happy to help him with whatever— but no matter how many times he told himself this, he just couldn’t seem to bring himself to admit that there _was_ a problem. Things like this only served to make Steven feel more confused and frustrated. Why was he so scared all of a sudden? What had happened— what was _happening_? It didn’t make much sense however he put it. 

It had started about a month ago, give or take. It was just small things at first, like Steven’s powers had started going on the fritz _again_. As much as it had been frustrating for him to be struggling with his powers a _third _ time he had just chalked it up to him being _really_ tired. He had been running around gem colonies and the like for quite a few months, and there’d been quite a panic when word first got out about the Homeworld rebellion. Steven thought it was perfectly reasonable he was so tired it was messing with his powers, they where strongly connected to his emotions, after all so it couldn’t have been _that_ far fetched. But... then it got worse...

It was less than just a few days after Steven had noticed his messed up powers, when he noticed a small pink splotch somewhere on his arm. Steven had tried to reason that it was probably paint or some weird space stuff, like pink alien dirt or something like that. It seemed even more stupid looking back on it now—, but Steven was desperate to pretend he was okay. Even then, when it considerably less of a problem. Steven realised it probably would’ve been a lot easier for everyone if he would’ve just given up the ruse then and there, but he hadn’t, and now he found himself unwilling to even leave the Temple in fear of running into one of the gems. He supposed it was still different back then, as it was less of a problem. Even as the patches grew they where easy enough to hide with his jacket and some _warmer_ clothing choices, as he had put it. It only became a problem a week or so after that, when it started to spread to his face and he noticed some small but steadily growing horns forming at the top of head. For a few days they’d been small enough to be hidden by Steven’s hair, but it didn’t take _that_ long for them to start dangerously poking through. Sometimes Steven would swear his eyes would change to slitted diamonds before returning back to their original state. It was like he’d blink and he’d see a stranger looking back at him, so he’d blink again and suddenly everything was okay and it was him again. 

But Steven didn’t think it was... not really. Steven felt like he was losing himself a little more everyday. It was slow but painfully noticeable— sometimes literally, but Steven thought the occasional pain he felt was more likely due to his physical changes. The point still stood though, Steven knew something was seriously wrong with him, but no matter how hard he thought about it he couldn’t place it. Even though this seemed strangely familiar to him. Like he’d seen this happen before. He just— couldn’t understand what was going on, and it made him feel too many contradicting things for him to even _want_ to try and process it all at once. Maybe Steven just didn’t want to think about it because he was admitting to himself there was problem, and if he did that then surely he’d _have_ to tell everyone there was a problem, and he’d _have_ to get help for this. Whatever _this_ is he—

He was hiding from himself too, wasn’t he? The thought suddenly struck Steven, an unwelcome voice from the past chiming in quietly within his jumbled thoughts. It was true though— if he was lying to _himself_ then it made sense he was conflicted and confused. Steven cringed a little at the thought, not really appreciating the elaborated implications he’d provided himself. He didn’t really _want_ to believe that was true. Even if it was _highly likely_ at this point...

Steven sighed again shifting in his makeshift bed, finding it hard to get comfortable despite that fact it was made out of _literal clouds_. He didn’t really want to think about _anything_ anymore, he’d decided he’d done too much thinking for one morning— evening? He wasn’t really sure anymore, and he wasn’t about to leave the Temple to got ask anybody. Normally, Steven only left to go get the occasional snack from the fridge at ridiculous times in the night when he was _sure_ none of the gems where around to catch like this—

Steven didn’t feel like leaving the Temple even if it was dark anyway, having tired himself out easily enough with his own looped thoughts. Steven quietly asked the room to play some TV for him, Crying Breakfast Friends to be exact. He’d loved this show when he was younger and although Steven felt a bit old for it now, and he couldn’t really remember what had appealed to him so much about it in the first place, it still provided him some comfort in the pink clouded abyss of a magical room. It was nostalgic in a funny way— even if it hadn’t been _that_ long ago since Steven watched it for the first time. The nostalgia Steven found in the show and the way Steven found it fairly easy to just zone out to made it a liable distraction. So, watch the silly kids cartoon he did, albeit a little fondly, even he did just generally feel pretty sucky right now. 

Steven wasn’t sure how long he lay there watching Crying Breakfast Friends but his slow process of zoning out did eventually lead him to just fall back asleep. That coupled with his persisting state of exhaustion made Steven guess it probably didn’t take him _that_ long to retreat back into the depths of his mind. Before Steven was fully asleep in that strange in between state, he could almost numbly sense another small ache in his stomach. It made him uncomfortable but his body still insisted on sleep, so he elected to ignore it. For now at least. He may as well sleep before it gets worse and wakes him up, or just hope he sleeps through it entirely, even if that sleep was broken and disturbed as a result, at least it was something... 

Right...?


	2. Cry For Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven runs into Amethyst whilst attempting to get a snack and reacts in the only appropriate way he can think of reacting...
> 
> He flees...

Steven met his inevitable fate of confrontation only a day or so later. It must have been around 4 in the morning— Steven had left the Temple to go raid the fridge, something that had become a common occurrence as of late. That would’ve been okay, especially seeing as Steven had managed to satisfy his appetite, at least for a little while, but just before Steven could retreat back into the Temple, it began to glow, bright and flashing. This was a clear indication that he was about to come face-to-face with one of the other gems. 

Steven stepped back— not sure if he was allowing them enough room to exit, or if the action was simply a result of his fear taking over. Steven decided it was most likely the latter as he began to feel extremely agitated, and began scanning the house for an escape. Trying pull his scattered thoughts back together so he could coherently formulate a plan. He had to find somewhere to run, hide, anything but this— 

_He couldn’t let them see him like this..._

Steven being startled and frozen had given Amethyst enough time to step out of the Temple door in front of him. Steven presumed she was probably here for the same reason that he was— a tasteful midnight snack. That would’ve been okay under any other circumstances, however Amethyst had just found Steven after nearly a month of him being in hiding. Steven _knew_ this was coming— of course he did. But he couldn’t do this right now. Not here... He to reveal himself to the world yet, to admit that _something_ was wrong... — He _had_ to get away, he—

Steven briefly met Amethyst’s confused stare before he had a sudden moment of clarity—a solution. The Warp Pad. It was right behind him. 

Steven wasn’t sure he _could_ still warp at this point, but he would _have_ to go that way to get to the door anyway. He could at least _try_ to use the warp. If Steven was lucky enough, it would take him somewhere far, _far_ away. If he was unlucky and he really _had_ completely lost all control of his powers then he could still _try_ to make a bolt for the door instead. It would be harder to hide in town than any other multitude of mysterious Gem locations, _but he could still try._

Without another moments hesitation Steven turned, hiding away from Amethyst‘s piercing gaze. He was pretty sure she called out to him as a reaction— as a _protest_, but Steven didn’t hear her as he scrabbled onto the Warp. He almost lost his footing, but just about managed to catch himself, reaching out his arms whilst willing himself to be taken somewhere else. Somewhere far away where he could _hide_, where he wouldn’t make people _worry_— wouldn’t be a _problem_. Somewhere where he couldn’t hurt _anyone_. 

After a brief pause which felt more like eternity to Steven, the warp activated, chiming as it flashed bright and blue, surrounding him— swarming him in the light of his own actions— his own _problems_. 

Steven could just about hear Amethyst cry out for him again in _protest_ as the Warp took him away. It made his stomach twist knowing the chaos that he’d probably just caused, but he _had_ to get away... Didn’t he? There was no the other choice... Right?

Steven stumbled once he reached his destination, being so caught up in his own thoughts that his sudden landing had taken him by surprise. The fact that he was suddenly feeling _incredibly_ tired didn’t do much to aid his case either. Steven could feel the ache in his stomach coming back stronger causing him to instinctively raise a shaky hand to his gem. He took a deep, rattled breath in an attempt to steady him himself because as much as he wanted to collapse on the floor, _he knew he couldn’t stay here, so close_ to the Warp Pad— to the gems. _He_ had blown his cover— alerting _them_ to the fact that there was a _very_ serious problem that likely needed _their immediate_ attention— a problem _he’d_ caused—

There was no doubt Amethyst wouldn’t have hesitated to gather the other gems to start looking for him straight away, so Steven had to find a place to hide in—... 

...Steven looked up, trying to clear his blurred vision in an attempt to figure out where he _actually_ was. It only took Steven a few moments to recognise the foreign shapes of Gem Injectors, jutting harshly out of the holed walls of the... Kindergarten? Steven wasn’t sure if that odd because the Kindergarten _sucked_and somehow looked _even more threatening_ in the dark, or if that was fitting because it was _completely_ devoid of life and actually had _a lot_ of hiding places now that Steven thought about it.

So, Steven forced himself to push on, doing his best to fight through his growing fatigue as he looked for a place to hide in Kindergarten. Lonely and desolate— scared.

_Just like him...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just managed to finish this before I have to do even more German revision. Exams suck!! XD  
Anyway, hope you enjoy!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!


	3. Warp Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems starting searching for a troubled, hiding Steven.

Amethyst jumped startled as Pearl rushed out of the Temple. Amethyst had been standing there, frozen, ever since Steven left, trying to figure out what had happened.

“Amethyst! What happened? I heard the Warp go off!” Pearl asked pausing in front of Amethyst, who was just turning around.  
“I don’t know!” Amethyst replied a little panicked.  
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Pearl asked again a little confused, perhaps a little more panicked too Amethyst’s own fear catching on.  
“It was Steven! He was just out here, but then he totally freaked out— I didn’t even say anything and he just bolted to the Warp! I don’t know where he’s gone— I—.... I think something wrong, Pearl.”  
Pearl hummed, raising a hand to her chin, foot tapping nervously against the wooden floor. “Yes, that _is_ a little concerning. Steven’s been acting, _strangely_, lately.” Pearl paused again gaze flicking back up to Amethyst. “And I suppose you don’t know what’s wrong with him either?”  
“No.” Amethyst responded.  
Pearl let out a concerned sigh, still a little fidgety. “And if he warped he could have gone _anywhere_! We should get Garnet and start to devise a plan on how to look for him—. I-I’ll go get her now! The sooner we start looking the better, right?” Pearl announced a nervous laugh escaping her lips as she softly clapped her hands together. She turned around quickly not waiting for an answer to her question.  
“Okay.” Amethyst agreed, calling to Pearl as she left, swiftly retreating back into the Temple. Amethyst felt a little out of place waiting alone in the silent shadows of the house— not doing _anything_. But, as impatient as Amethyst felt, Pearl was right. They had to come at this tactically— Steven really _could’ve_ gone anywhere. They’d have to decide where Steven would’ve _likely_ gone and the split up to search those areas efficiently. 

Thankfully, it didn’t take Pearl long to return with Garnet, and it didn’t take them long to come up with a viable list of places Steven could’ve run off to _so suddenly_. Amethyst was happy when they had finished— finally able to go out and _actually_ search. For as much as the plan was needed, Amethyst still much preferred being able to go outside and _do something_. She was _worried_ about Steven... they _all_ were...

By the time Amethyst reached the Kindergarten, the sky was starting to brighten, betraying the first signs of dawn. She wasn’t completely sure how long that meant she’d been searching for Steven, but she did know it meant she’d been searching for _a while_. She’d been to a couple of places already with no success and it was starting to get on her nerves. She was _frustrated_. She wasn’t really mad at Steven for running off— she was just annoyed she couldn’t find him and the more unsuccessful searches, the more her worry for Steven grew. She _really_ just wanted to make sure he was _okay_, because something was _clearly_ wrong. 

Thankfully again for Amethyst, she eventually ran into something of interest. She paused her shouting of Steven’s name to briefly stare at the scuffed-up Earth in front of her. She followed the new little trail of pebbles and scuffed-up ground to one of the smaller holes that littered the Kindergarten. Amethyst narrowed her eyes at it suspiciously, staring into the depths off the hole, because if she looked just close enough...

“Yo, Steven!” Amethyst called. “You in there?” Amethyst waited a few seconds. There was no answer. Unconvinced Steven _wasn’t_ in that hole Amethyst bent down, peering inside it. It was pretty dark in the there, but Amethyst could just about see a huddled silhouette, right at the back. 

“Steven?” She asked voice a little softer this time.  
“.... Go away!” Steven replied eventually, voice cracking as he felt anxiety bubbling up in his chest. He curled up a little further, Hoping to somehow just— _disappear._  
Amethyst would’ve been a little surprised at the response if it hadn’t been for Steven’s earlier display, and the fact that he’d kinda been doing this for a while, now that she thought about it.

“No!” She argued concerned. “Not until you tell me what’s wrong, dude. I’m not gonna let you just— sit here and mope around in that hole all day!”  
There was another pause before Steven mumbled a quiet, “I know.”  
“Then talk to me.” Amethyst pressed further. “What’s wrong, Steven?”  
“I don’t know!” Steven snapped a little harshly, anxiety spilling over. “I don’t _know_ what’s wrong with me!”  
“Then let me help you! We can figure it out, _together_.” Amethyst insisted bending down a little further to reach her hand into the hole. “Come on, get outta there. Let’s go home and talk about this together, yeah?”  
Steven stared at the offered hand, still feeling conflicted despite Amethyst’s comforts. He sighed, reaching out his own hands despite his doubts. 

_Come on. You know she’s right_, Steven told himself— unsure of wether he was trying to quiet his troubled mind, or wether he was trying to chide himself for his childish behaviour. But Steven couldn’t hide here anymore regardless now that Amethyst had found him. She would get him out regardless of wether _he wanted_ to get out or not. 

Steven shuffled so he could properly clasp Amethyst’s hand and scrabble out of the hole he’d been hiding in. Trying a little desperately not to scrape the horns atop his head against the wall of the entry hole, like he’d done in his panicked dash to get in. He winced once he managed to get out, surprised by the early dawn light— h-how long had he even been in there? He must have _really_ worried the gems. Steven pushed himself to his feet, a little wobbly, trying not to think about it. 

Steven turned timidly to face Amethyst, feeling a little exposed now that he was finally out in the open. Amethyst was staring, likely taken aback by Steven’s _slightly altered_ appearance. 

“Dude, what happened?” Amethyst asked eventually, still seeming _very_ startled.  
“I— don’t know...” Steven admitted, still a little quiet.  
Amethyst attempted to reach her hand out to Steven again, but paused once he shied away. 

“... Steven,” She spoke up again after a moment, “why didn’t you tell us?”  
“I don’t— I was _scared_. I-I didn’t want to make a big deal.... a-a _problem_...” The concern on Amethyst face grew making Steven want to hide away again, feeling a little— guilty?

“Steven, you needing help isn’t a problem, but this— hiding away like this, _that’s_ a problem! That’s _not_ healthy, dude. We’ve been worried about you, Steven! We _want_ to help because we _love_ you!”  
Steven couldn’t help but feel worse at the fact that Amethyst had to affirm that to him— Steven _knew_ that. _Of course_ he did! But... he still _refused_ to come to them for help, and now they where running around _terrified_ trying to find him. It was all _his_ fault—

Steven sallowed trying to push his feelings down. Amethyst was trying to make him feel _better. Not_ worse.

“I—I know. I’m sorry.” Steven replied quietly, folding his arms across his stomach.  
Amethyst sighed before responding. “Steven, you don’t have to apologise, just— don’t do it again, okay?”  
Steven gave her a little nod, many questions still hanging in the air. Unanswered. There was a brief silence before Amethyst sighed again.

“We should probably start heading home— Pearl was _really_ freaking out. They’ll be happy to know you’re alright sooner rather than later.”  
“Y-yeah you’re probably right.” Steven agreed holding back a second apology. 

The two fell into silence as they headed back in the direction of the Warp. Steven lagged behind Amethyst who was keeping her eye on him, as if she expected him to try and bolt again at any moment. Steven paused after they had been walking for only a few minutes.

“Hey, Amethyst?” He asked sounding unsure of himself.  
“Yeah?” Amethyst asked turning to face him.  
“C-can we take the train home?” Steven requested wanting at least _a little_ time to comprehend the fact he was going home to confront the other gems about his problems—

“Sure.” Amethyst smiled sympathetically, a hint of concern still present on her face.  
“Thanks.” Steven replied a little relieved as he started walking again.  
“No worries, dude.” Amethyst smiled starting to walk alongside him, perhaps understanding his need to collect himself.

They remained silent for the majority of the way home. Steven started to fall asleep once they reached the train, leaning a little haphazardly against the open door they’d snuck in through. The beautiful scenery of the the blurred sunflowers mixing with the early morning sky, and Amethyst sitting still beside him was apparently enough for Steven’s mental and physical exhaustion to begin catching up to him. It was also apparently enough to lull Steven into a somewhat content sleep— something that has become a rarity as of late...

Maybe things could be okay, even it was just for a little while...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhh I’ve been writing this for 3 whole days I literally can’t—  
Enjoy XD!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!


	4. We Need To Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has a talk with the Gems...

Steven opened his eyes blearily, surprised to find himself sat in his _own_ bed for the first time in a while. Steven still felt pretty tired despite the fact he’d slept soundly for what must have been the first time in a while as well, but he was pretty sure the Warp to the Kindergarten had taken _a lot_ out of him. He couldn’t really remember what had happened for the majority of the way home and if he was being entirely honest, he didn’t even remember getting home. He thought the Gems would’ve wanted to talk him straight away, but he supposed if he really was that tired when he returned, it made sense they’d let him rest. Even if they were _really_ worried about what had happened...

Steven sighed loudly as he turned to bury his face in his pillow. There was no avoiding the inevitable now— the Gems knew something was wrong now. He was going to have to tell them about this. There was no chance he’d be able to flee again. Not after the stunt he pulled yesterday. The Gems would be on high alert. He’ll _have_ to tell them. He’ll _have_ to let them _help_ him. Regardless of wether _he_ likes the idea or not.

Steven paused his slightly distressed musings as he heard one of the Gem’s voices getting _a little_ too loud for his liking. They were likely coming to check on him, as if on cue— like they knew what Steven was thinking. His fears were only confirmed once he heard what were likely Pearl’s quiet and dainty footsteps travelling up the stairs. Steven could pretend to still be asleep, but he knew that wouldn’t work. Pearl wasn’t that dumb. Confrontation it is then, Steven decided begrudgingly. If there really was no way he could out of this, then he may as well get it over done with right? Maybe then they’d let him go back to sleep.

Steven’s guess was confirmed when he pushed himself up to see Pearl pushing open the door to his room. Pearl seemed a little surprised to see Steven awake. He just stared up at her, not sure what to do.

“Oh, Steven!” She started unsure, averting her gaze. “You’re awake!”  
“Only just.” Steven replied quietly.  
“Well, I was just coming to check on you! We’ve all been _very_ worried about you, especially since yesterday...” Pearl paused still looking very nervous. “We wanted to talk to you. About what’s going on...”  
“Of course...” Steven responded, fully aware this was coming.  
“Would you like a minute to wake up properly before you come down? You still look _very_ tired.” Pearl commented, still clearly _very_ concerned.  
“...Yeah.” Steven nodded, his anxieties only slightly placated by the fact he would have a little longer to procrastinate the inevitable.  
“Alright, don’t take too long. We’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen.” Pearl replied, slightly stern voice doing little to mask her concern. Steven watched as she paused briefly before retreating back downstairs. He flopped back into his pillow once she was gone, a lingering sense of anxiety sitting in his stomach. He _really_ wanted to go back to sleep. He _didn’t want_ to do this. But, _he had_ to now that he’d _given up_ his secret...

Steven waited a moment, trying to muster up any small amount of courage he could find. Trying to clear his troubled, clouded mind for _at least_ a little while. Eventually he pushed himself up, egged on by the anxiety of keeping the Gems waiting for too long. He could hear them whispering as he headed down the stairs. Probably about him, but he couldn’t really figure out what they were saying from here. 

He paused once he reached the middle of the stairs. His eyes briefly flickering to the painting of his mother before he averted his gaze, quickly catching sight of the gems. He felt his anxiety growing, contemplating wether he’d be able to get away with running back upstairs and staying there, but that idea was quite quickly discarded when he caught Amethyst’s attention. She turned to the other two Gems, whispering something. A likely quiet enunciation of his arrival. Their hushed conversation quieted and all eyes fell on him. Steven sallowed hard attempting to be rid of his fear as he headed down the last few steps.

He paused again once he reached the bottom, unsure of what to do with himself. Steven just wanted to sink into the floor again, becoming acutely aware of the Gems watching his every move despite the fact he couldn’t bring himself to drag his eyes away from the floor. 

“Steven, sit.” Garnet instructed after a moment, gesturing to the empty seat on the other side of the table. Steven glanced up briefly nodding, doing as he was told. He folded his arms gently on the table after he’d sat down, still avoiding looking at the Gems. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, none of them quite sure how to start.

Steven cleared his throat, taking it upon himself to start the conversation he so desperately didn’t want to have.

“So... you guys wanted t— to talk?” Steven offered looking up, but not directly at the Gems.   
Pearl took him up on the offer, almost too quickly. “Yes! We’ve been worried about you, Steven. You— you haven’t been acting like yourself lately...” Steven gripped his arm, unsure how to respond.  
“.... I know...” he mumbled eventually. Pearl still seemed concerned, lingering on Steven’s strange discomfort but she continued none the less. 

“And we’re a little worried about what’s, _happened_... to you.” She elaborated looking uncomfortable.  
“Oh. Yeah.” Steven responded, as if he’d forgotten that was the reason why they were all here in the first place.

“What _did_ happen to you?” Amethyst asked, as if she expected a different answer from the last one he gave her when asked that question.  
“I— _I don’t know_.” Steven reiterated feeling a little frustrated already. He gripped his arm a little harder, trying to push it down. The Gems were _worried_. They just wanted to _help_ him. He had _no reason_ to be _angry_ about that. If anything, he should be _grateful_ they weren’t as mad as he was at himself for lying— that they were even willing to put up with his _stupid_ problems in the first place—

“Steven!” 

He jolted at the call of his name, being harshly thrown back into the present. 

“W—what?” Steven stuttered.   
“Are you okay?” Pearl asked concerned.  
“Oh well, yeah I— I just— zoned out...” Steven attempted an explained, trying to force himself to relax. Pearl still seemed unconvinced but continued on none the less.   
“Okay well, Garnet suggested you tell us what’s been going on, lately. We think it might help us figure out what’s wrong.” Pearl repeated a little delicately. Steven narrowed his eyes, suddenly aware of the tension emanating between the three Gems. They were worried about him sure, but Steven got the sense it was more than that. There was something they weren’t telling him, but could Steven really blame after how he’d lied to them—?

Steven dismissed the thought with a shake of his head, trying to figure out how to start. He hadn’t really done much in the last month, yet so much had happened anyway. He didn’t really know how he was supposed to explain it to them, but he supposed he _had_ to now. 

“Well, I guess it started around a month ago. It— it was only small changes at first. Like, my powers started playing up a bit— but I didn’t really think much of first. I’ve had problems with my powers before I— I just thought I was really tired or something.” Steven started to mumble, so he took out a moment to sigh out his frustrations before he continued his tale. 

“But then it kinda just got worse... I noticed this pink patch on my arm. I guess I hoped that would go away too, but it spread. I started hiding in the Temple because it got to point where I couldn’t hide it from you guys anymore— especially when the horns came in... I don’t know. I— I guess that’s about it...” Steven shrugged glancing up at the Gems not sure what else he was supposed to say. He sat silently eyes flitting between them, waiting for one of them to say something.

Eventually Amethyst did. She mumbled something under her breath, too quiet for Steven to catch. Apparently Pearl did though, because she turned Amethyst, a cautionary look on her face.

“Amethyst!” Pearl hissed her tone accusative. “We don’t know that.”   
“But we do, Pearl!” Amethyst snapped back, angrily slamming her hand against the table. “The evidence is literally right in front of us!” She moved her hand to gesture harshly at Steven, the unexpected movement and boiling over tension making him flinch.   
“He literally just said he was—!”  
“Amethyst, stop it! We can’t just assume the worst!” Pearl pushed back still reprimanding.   
“But, Pearl!” Amethyst continued, only getting more frustrated. “It’s obvious! You just don’t want to admit it!”  
Pearl was about to bite back, but Garnet stepped in before she had the chance. 

“Both of you, stop it.” She chided, authority clear as she stood up to level with the other two Gems, chair scraping uncomfortably on the floor. “You’re scaring Steven.” Amethyst and Pearl deflated at the comment, looking at an in fact very scared Steven. He hated it when the Gems fought— especially when it was about _him_, but that hatred was only intensified by his tired brain unable to keep up, and his already on anxious state. 

“We can talk about this later.” Garnet continued. Pearl and Amethyst turned away from each other, looking a little remorseful. They all stayed silent for a moment, tension still crackling in the air. 

Steven cleared his throat after a moment looking up to the Gems. 

“C—can I go now...?” He asked quietly, looking back to the floor. The Gems glanced at each other, deliberating.   
“I suppose.” Pearl responded wearily after a moment, eyes still on the other Gems.   
“Thanks.” Steven mumbled hastily pushing himself off his chair and up to the flight of stairs to his room.  
“Call is if you need anything!” Pearl called after him, a little surprised by how quickly Steven was leaving.   
“Sure!” Steven replied back, already halfway up the stairs, doubting he was actually going commit to that agreement. 

He rounded the corner to his room, shutting the door a little loudly as he did so. Steven paused, grateful to be away from the Gems for at least a little while. Amethyst had wondered why he hadn’t told them— but hadn’t she just demonstrated why? They were freaking out, _really_ bad... It was understandable but Steven couldn’t stand to see his family fall apart _again_ because of _him_—

Steven sighed, trudging over to his bed deciding more sleep was the best course of action. Maybe if he actually slept well again he would feel better. Steven knew the idea was stupid but he flopped down dramatically onto his bed anyway. He lay there for a few moments, before finally repositioning himself so he was actually somewhat comfortable.

Steven began to decide that both of those things were pretty impossible, as time went on. His stomach had started to ache again, this time with a seemingly ferocious vengeance. The pain was quite hard to ignore making it quite hard to even _think_ about sleeping, and he also apparently couldn’t tell wether he was too hot or too cold, his blanket constantly being discarded and retrieved in what Steven thought must be an endless cycle by now. But... he wasn’t even sure if that was the worst part...

He could still hear the Gems for what must have been a considerable amount of the time he’d been upstairs. They were still arguing. About _him_. Someone had left eventually, because the Warp activating had startled Steven a little, the unannounced exit surprising him. Steven didn’t really understand what they were fighting about— sure, something was _really_ wrong with him but that was obvious. Did they have to fight about it? It would’ve made more sense if they were mad at him— but they weren’t. They were mad at each other. Because they didn’t know what to do with him. Couldn’t agree on what to with him.

And now they would inevitably fall apart again, because Steven couldn’t keep it together...

He sighed rolling over, sides still aching as he did so. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. He wanted to sleep. Then the only thing he’d have to think about was the occasional nightmare. Surely better than a waking one, right? 

Steven snorted, vaguely amused by the comment. It was kinda true, even if he didn’t want it to be. Steven just wanted everything to be _okay_. _He wanted_ to be _okay_, but...

he wasn’t sure if that was even possible at this point...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy, guys!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I would’ve liked to finish this sooner, but my smart ass put my writing hand in a splint two days before my mock exams started :// XD. It’s all good now tho, and my mocks are nearly over thankfully XD.  
And fun fact, my friend asked to see this whilst I was writing at school and then proceeded to write something very cursed underneath it, so i guess this chapter is just cursed now. It made it really hard to write the serious scenes though, because I’d just look down and see it and laugh XDDD.  
And on my gosh, the Future trailer!! It was sooooo goood!!! I’m so excited!! I literally can not wait for next week!!


	5. Now We’re Only Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gems talk to Steven again. The Gems argue about Steven again. Steven has a bad time.

Steven never went to sleep. He couldn’t. He was in too much pain. His head was too much of a mess. He just— _couldn’t_.

His apparent inability to sleep meant he couldn’t really say that Pearl woke him up. That would be a lie. She was knocking on his door though, so Steven supposed it was fair to say that she’d disturbed his attempt at sleep. 

He sighed rolling over to face the door. “Come in.” He invited a little quietly. Pearl entered looking nervous. Steven just looked up at her, waiting for her to get the courage to speak up. 

“H— how are you feeling, Steven?” Pearl asked eventually.   
“Alright.” Steven responded, words leaving his mouth before he could even realise what he was saying. Pearl eyed him for a moment, almost suspiciously, before she responded.   
“Well, that’s good.” She replied, almost cheery but her body language betrayed her persistent nerves and uncertainty. Steven sighed again this time deeply as he decided to take it upon himself to push it out of Pearl. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked briefly meeting her nervous gaze.   
“Oh, it’s just—,“ Pearl paused a moment before letting out a sigh of her own, deflating. “We called Peridot over.” Steven blinked, his tired mind taking a moment to process the surprising comment. 

“What? Why?” He asked after a moment.  
“Well, we think she might be able to help us figure out what— what _happened_, to you....” Pearl explained a little awkwardly.   
“Oh.” Steven responded, voice a little flat. He supposed that was kind of obvious, it made sense but... didn’t they already know? Amethyst seemed _pretty_ sure of herself earlier when her and Pearl where arguing. 

“D—Do you want me to come down?” Steven continued after a moment, realising he was staring to zone out.   
“Yes! You can come and join us in the kitchen when you’re ready.” Pearl answered wringing her hands together again.   
_But preferably soon_. Steven added to himself, almost bitterly. But— that wasn’t really fair, was it? The Gems just wanted to _help_ him! He _shouldn’t_be _mad_ about that...!

“Okay.” He exhaled as he pushed himself into a sitting position, feet dangling a little off the side of bed. “I’ll—I’ll be there in a minute.”   
“Alright.” Pearl answered talking that as her cue to leave, gently closing the door behind her. Steven flicked his gaze back to the floor after her departure, slightly loosening up the barriers he seemed all too used to putting up. But it was becoming harder to hide now— with _this_. His stomach _still_ hurt and he felt ridiculously tired now that he’d sat up, but he’d still have to leave and _pretend_ it wasn’t a huge a problem sooner or later. He sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to push away some of his angst fuelled exhaustion and the dull aching of his limbs. _He’d manage_. He _had_ to. _Besides_, the quicker he left the quicker he could this over and done with, right? Then maybe he could actually take a proper nap. 

Steven huffed as he pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the way he swayed a little as he stumbled towards the door. He took his time walking down the stairs not trusting himself, even if he did hate the way he still felt his mother’s painting was watching him. _Judging_ him. At he least he managed to get downstairs unscathed eventually. 

Steven however didn’t pause at the landing this time, instead making a beeline straight to the table, keeping his eyes trained carefully on the floor. He could feel all the Gems eyes on him, particularly Peridot who had only just seen him— like _this_. He couldn’t bring himself to meet their gazes, so he tried his best to avoid their prying eyes, even if it was hard when they where all around him and _staring_ at _him_. 

After a few moments of unbearable silence, Pearl spoke up again asking Steven to repeat what he’d told them earlier. Steven nodded trying his best to once again recall everything that had happened in the past month. Peridot took some notes listening to his tale intently whilst the other Gems watched him silently, making him want to sink into the floor even further. Once he’d finished the story, Peridot asked him a few follow up questions that Steven once again tried his best to answer. Steven almost felt like he was at a doctor’s appointment or something— at least this is what he’d imagined it would be like, what with Peridot’s incessant questioning of his condition and everyone else silently listening waiting for a concrete, well informed conclusion and solution to the problem... Steven wasn’t sure if there even _was_ a solution to his problems...

Peridot hummed studying her notes, drawing Steven out of his thoughts. She paused for a brief moment as she stared at the electrical screen, before she turned addressing the other Gems at the table. 

“It does seem like Corruption is the most liable cause for Steven’s— _issues_.” She stated, briefly glancing back at her screen. “All evidence points towards it and frankly, I’m not really sure what else could be causing it— especially after actually seeing him.” Peridot continued her diagnoses seeming a little uncomfortable with the fact she was now victim to the Gems intent stares. _Well, there was his diagnoses_, Steven thought a little disconnected from what Peridot had actually said and the weight it carried. He felt a little surprised at how unfazed he seemed by the claim. Shouldn’t he be freaked out by the fact he was seemingly Corrupting? That was serious _and_ terrifying! But, he had been like _this_ for months now... maybe he had already figured out what was happening, and that’s why he was so unfazed. He’d already accepted his fate. He supposed that made sense, even if he didn’t like the thought, but everyone else in the room certainly didn’t seem to react as calmly as he did. 

“But he _can’t_ be—!“ Pearl protested almost immediately. “We would surely already know if Steven was Corrupted!”   
“Yeah but we haven’t even seen him in ages, because he’s been trying to hide it from us— it makes sense!” Amethyst countered Pearl’s comment, almost immediately. _This was probably what they where arguing about earlier then_, Steven supposed. They probably called Peridot over for a second opinion because they couldn’t agree on what was really wrong with him— it didn’t seem to be enough as they still continued to argue over the validity of the claim that he was in fact Corrupted. 

“Well this is why I’d have to agree with Amethyst.” Peridot chimed back in, rather matter-o-factly. “Corruption doesn’t only make sense of Steven’s appearance, but also his behaviour. You said he’d been acting weird and it was especially unusual for him to hide away from you all— but he’s likely already falling back into his natural Gem instincts.”  
“But can Steven even become Corrupt in the first place? He’s half human!” Steven jumped a little upon hearing Lapis voicing her own thoughts in the fray. He hadn’t even noticed she came with Peridot. Steven wasn’t really surprised she’d come too, but he’d kind of hoped it would’ve just been Peridot. It would’ve meant less people would have to see him like _this_, and _try_ to _fix_ the _dastardly mess_ he’d _made for himself_— but that wasn’t really fair either! Lapis was probably just _worried_ about him— she certainly looked very worried about him! Her demeanour giving away her anxieties, much like the other Gems. _That was fine_. Surely! Steven should just be _grateful_ he had _so many_ people willing to _try_ and _help_ in the first place! Especially if he was Corrupting because then surely he’d be a _lost cause_. A _waste_ of their time—

But this was good! It was good to get help. Steven was always helping people with their own problems...!

...So why did this feel so—so _wrong_...?

“Well we don’t know for certain if Steven _can_ Corrupt, but it’s likely his human half that’s been keeping him from completely losing it for so long.” Peridot provided an answer to Lapis’ question, but Steven wasn’t really listening eyes fixed on the floor, mind drifting away from reality. 

“But how would he have even gotten Corrupt in the first place? We haven’t seen seen a Corrupt Gem for months!” Pearl continued to argue as if the mere concept was ludicrous. Steven _didn’t_ think it was.   
“Well Steven technically has Diamond powers, right? Maybe he did it to himself.” Peridot suggested, perhaps a little too nonchalant for what she was suggesting. The Gems fell silent for the first time in what like forever to Steven, probably disliking the implications of Peridot’s suggestion greatly. If he was being honest, Steven didn’t really like the implications either, but he found he still couldn’t bring himself to be shocked or scared he was just.... _tired_...

“But why would he—,“ Pearl began being cut off by Garnet. Steven found himself zoning back out as he decided to contemplate the question himself. He wasn’t really in the best state of mind before all this started happening and his powers were strongly tied to his emotions, so maybe that was the problem— _he_ was the _problem_—!

“Oh of course!” Pearl exclaimed almost excitedly, dragging Steven harshly out his troubled mind. She was still incredibly nervous though, anyone could tell that. “Why didn’t we think of that sooner? Steven, can you over here, please?” She continued to ask, confusing Steven. He had no context to the question having had zoned. 

“Err, sure! W—what did you want?” He asked trying to seem fine despite his anxieties suddenly coming back full force.   
“We wanted to look at your Gem, to see whether it’s been damaged.” Garnet provided as if she knew he hadn’t been listening.   
“Oh, okay.” Steven responded unable to stop a nervous laugh from escaping his lips. His mind was racing and he felt his body tense up, finding the concept of the Gems looking at his gem very terrifying all of a sudden. But they’re _not_ going to _hurt_ him— is he _crazy_? Steven forced himself to feet, suddenly trying to quiet his troubled mind. He walked over to Gems stiffly, still feeling wobbly. Why was he being so— so _stupid_? Steven continued to try and calm himself down only to berate himself for being dumb again until he reached the Gems, deciding he should just stare at the floor and at least _try_ to calm down. He just _had_ to try, try, _try_—

He stopped just in front of Pearl, trying to hide the fact that he was trembling a little. Steven wasn’t sure if it was the lingering pain or the fear. Probably both. Steven swallowed, fighting the urge to shrink away as Pearl bent down reaching out towards his gem. He watched her hand with an intense, piercing stare despite the fact his mind was drifting. Pearl was delicate, but Steven still felt his body freeze up when her fingers brushed against the edge of his gem, peering at it carefully. 

“It doesn’t _look_ damaged.” She reported turning to face Garnet.   
“No, _It_ looks _corrupted_.” Amethyst retorted. Pearl pulled her hands away from Steven’s gem, turning to properly continue her squabble. Steven let out a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting though— he _knew_ they wouldn’t _hurt_ him, and yet he was _still_ so, _ridiculously afraid_. Steven _didn’t understand_ what was _wrong_ with _him_— well, _he did<. He was Corrupted_ but what did that even—

Steven flinched, as the Gems arguing grew louder. The dull ache in his head was starting to come back, and his shaky composure reminded him of why he didn’t want to get up in the first place. Steven took a few small steps back, still feeling nervous as the Gems continued to fight. He didn’t get very far before he faltered as another, sharper wave of pain shoot though him. Steven yelped as he crumpled to the floor, legs finally giving out. The room quieted, as Steven sat on the floor for a moment staring, a little surprised by the sudden onslaught. 

“Steven! Are you alright?” Pearl asked instantly rushing to his side. Steven’s only response was a quiet whimper as he closed in on himself, burying his face in his knees. He _hated_ the sick feeling that was suddenly berating him alongside the pain. He _hated_ how utterly _helpless_ he felt—

Steven gasped, suddenly finding it quite hard to breath, only adding to the horrible feelings swimming around in his head. Steven didn’t hear what Pearl said as she retracted a little, clearly unsure. He didn’t even _know_ if the comments where directed at him. He _did know_, that his vision was swimming too, and no matter how hard he tried he _couldn’t seem_ to get enough air into his lungs. 

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity to Steven the feeling passed. He still felt horrible, but he didn’t feel quite like he was going to pass out, or throw up or scream, or, or— _he didn’t even know_. He was just glad he felt _at least_ somewhat better now. 

Steven sniffed, raising his head to wipe away the tears from his eyes— he hadn’t even _realised_ he’d been crying, but he supposed he still _wasn’t_ surprised. Pearl, who was seemingly still sat on the floor beside him placed a hand on his shoulder, a comforting gesture, even if she still seemed a little unsure. 

“Are you alright, Steven?” She asked quietly, concern written on her face. Steven sniffed again, not sure how to answer.   
“Yeah... I—I just...” Steven trailed off, wanting to provide an exclamation, but not sure how. Even he _didn’t_ really _know_ what had happened... Except his _very_ probable corruption. Maybe he should’ve just said—

“Would like to go back to bed?” Pearl asked delicately, cutting off Steven’s thoughts. Steven blinked, suddenly realising how tired he actually felt. That must have _really_ taken _a lot_ out of him. 

“Yeah.” Steven agreed breathily. “I—I would...”  
“Can you get up?” She continued her careful questioning.   
“I—I don’t know.” Steven responded sitting up a little straighter.   
“Don’t worry.” Garnet bent down to reach Steven’s level on the floor. “I’ll carry you.”  
“O—oh you don’t have to—“ Steven attempted to protest a little embarrassed by the idea, before being promptly cut off by Garnet.   
“Don’t worry, Steven.” She told him, commanding tone being undermined with caring comfort in an unusual display of emotion from the stoic Gem. “Just let us help you.” She added after a moment of him still looking sceptical.  
“Okay.” Steven deflated, finally giving in.

His limbs felt heavy in Garnet’s arms she carried him up the stairs, and Steven was once again reminded of how tired he was. In fact, he found sleep came easy to him this time, Steven falling asleep almost instantly after Garnet had left his room, his door bring quietly shut being her. This time, Steven also found himself having a relatively peaceful sleep, completely oblivious to the Gems muttering about him downstairs. He didn’t even get startled awake by the Warp as Peridot and Lapis departed, or the other Gems as they snuck through his room to get to the Galaxy Warp— going to wherever. Steven was content and peaceful for once in his exhausted sleep, no longer having a worry or care in the world...

_If only_ it could stay like that forever....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH! I FINALLY FINISHED THIS GEEZ—  
So I disappeared for too long again because school does not want me to have any free time. I also got sick this week which is fun XD  
Anyway, the chapters here now so I hope you enjoy more angst!  
I’m very excited for Future tomorrow! Last weeks episodes were soooooo good and I really want to see the horrifying Gremlin fusion!!! XDD  
(Also yes, I am posting this on Saturday but Future airs at 1am on Sunday in my country soooo that’s fun. Also can we just appreciate CN UK spoiling the episodes on their YouTube channel when they don’t come out here till the 23rd?? XDD)  
Anyway, I’m rambling now, enjoy my angst XD  
Bye!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!!!


	6. In Too Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gems take Steven to his mother’s fountain to try and heal him. Steven has a bad time.

It had been a few days since Steven had first told the Gems something was wrong with him, and it was easy to see he had only gotten worse over the short timeframe. He had recently ended up with an extra pair of arms. They were scaly and foreign, taking on the purplish hue most of his body had now adopted. Steven was also starting to grow a tail of similar nature, much to his own disdain. He would never admit out loud how much the new extremities bothered him, trying his best to ignore them, much like all his problems now-a-days. Even if it was extremely difficult. 

Right now, Steven was sat a little uncomfortably in his bed, glaring at the wall for no particular reason. It’s not like glaring at it would fix anything, but he was sulking. Something he’d been doing a lot lately. See, that was the other problem, Steven seemed to getting more agitated as of late. He wasn’t quite sure why, but he now found his initial, despondent reaction had boiled over into frustration at his _pathetic_ condition. He was starting to get mad at _everything_, every little inconvenience making _more_ and _more_ angry. Reminding him of just how _helpless_ and _pathetic_ he was now. He _didn’t deserve_ everyone’s help, but they _wouldn’t_ leave _him alone_. No matter _how_ hard _he tried_.

But, it was usually only worse when Steven was left alone. Normally at night when he was supposed to be sleeping, he found his anger dissipating into something arguably worse, because when Steven wasn’t angry he was just incredibly depressed and anxious, the true gravity of the situation finally getting to him. He found he would cry himself to sleep often. When he would wake later, often to one of the Gems, he would slip back into his anger as if _nothing_ had happened. As if _nothing_ was wrong. But that was a _lie. Everything_ was _wrong_. 

Steven sighed, pushing himself into sitting position, with one of his normal, human arms. He sat there for a moment, pondering over whether he should get up or not. He could just about hear the Gems quietly talking downstairs if he tried hard enough. That probably meant that one of them was going to come up and check on him sooner or later— but, that didn’t mean that Steven _couldn’t_ get up. Maybe if he came down on his own accord for once the Gems would stop worrying about him so much—!

Just before Steven could come to any one conclusion, the door to his bedroom was quietly pushed open. Steven still jumped at the action, admittedly a startled by the unexpected intruder. He must have been too wrapped up in his own thoughts to even notice Pearl coming up the stairs. 

“P—Pearl!” He greeted suddenly, trying to pass of the anxiety that had sparked up in his chest.  
“Oh, Steven!” Pearl smiled awkwardly, passing off her own surprise at Steven’s quick response. “Sorry, I would’ve knocked but I wasn’t expecting you to be up this early! I didn’t scare did I?”  
“Don’t worry!” Steven assured a little too quickly passing it off with nervous laugh. “It’s fine...” Pearl still seemed a little sceptical, but she didn’t push it any further, much to Steven’s relief.

“How are you feeling this morning?” She asked taking a seat next to Steven on his bed. He averted his gaze, shrugging nonchalantly.  
“Fine.” He replied after a moment. Pearl still looked unconvinced, but Steven was glad she still didn’t push it. He pulled his legs up, hugging them to his chest, prehaps trying to hide himself away from Pearl’s concerned gaze. The room had fallen quiet but Pearl hadn’t left yet, so Steven presumed that meant she had something to tell him. She certainly looked like she had something she wanted to get off her chest, her hands fidgeting restlessly in her lap. Steven stayed quiet, opting to stare at the floor idly until Pearl found her nerve. 

Eventually, she did, clearing her throat before she continued to wring her hands together nervously. 

“Steven, we—,” she started before hesitating, avoiding his gaze. “We’ve called the Diamonds.”  
“What?” Steven asked blankly, his surprise at the sudden announcement making it hard to process what Pearl had just said.  
“We called the—,” she attempted to repeat it for Steven before he cut her off, her words suddenly settling in his broken mind as his anxiety slammed back full force.  
“Why?” He asked voice unsteady and a little raised in his panicked state as he finally turned to look at Pearl.  
“Steven,” Pearl said gently, attempting to console him. “We think they might be able to help you. We wanted to wait, but— you’re just not getting any better...” _No— clearly I’m getting worse!_ Steven thought bitterly. _And this is their last ditch effort to_fix_ me? But they’ve already tried the Diamond essences! Why do they think this will be any different?_

“Steven.” Pearl went to reach out her hand, but stopped when Steven flinched away from the attempted comfort. Even if he did really want a hug right now and someone to tell him everything’ll be _okay_—... 

But... He _knew_ it _wasn’t_ going to be _okay_. Pearl seemed a little hurt, but brushed it off swiftly. Steven still caught it though, and just went straight back to being angry with himself for being _so stupid_ all_ the time_!

“Are you alright?” She asked as she retracted her hand, sitting it back in her lap to play nervously with the other.  
“I’m fine.” He insisted glancing back at the floor.  
“Well, they’ll be here soon.” Pearl informed, standing up. “We’ll call you down when they arrive, just— make sure you’re ready, all right?” She turned back to him, pausing at the door as she waited for a response.  
“Sure.” He shrugged, _wanting_ to be left alone.  
“Call us if you need anything.” Pearl added almost crestfallen before she disappeared out the door and down the stairs. Steven sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the door before he flopped back down into bed, wriggling in order to comfortably pull his blanket over his head, pretty much just completely hiding now. The Gems would come for him whenever, and if Steven wanted to hide under his blanket in the mean time then who was going to stop him? That was his only plan of action right now. 

Unfortunately, Steven couldn’t sit and wallow in his bed forever. The Diamonds came all too soon for his liking. He heard their ship well before any of the Gems came to get him. He took his early warning as a chance to try and quell his anxiety, and get it together before anyone saw him— well, they would see him like _this_ anyway, but the least he could do was not be an emotional wreck when he faced them too.

So, Steven regretfully pushed himself back up into a sitting position, staring blankly at the floor. He wasn’t sure how long had passed between him hearing the Diamond’s ship and someone actually coming to get him, but eventually Pearl did come back to get him. She knocked this time before gently pushing open the door.

“They’re here.” She announced almost a little apprehensive.  
“I know.” Steven replied flatly, pushing himself swiftly off of his bed. “I heard.” Before Pearl could respond, Steven made a beeline to the door. Pearl stepped back, surprised by his sudden exit, but quickly followed him downstairs once it had worn off. This time, Steven paid no heed to the painting of his mother hanging on the stairwell, remembering to ignore it for once. 

He continued to head straight to the the door, flinging it open, only allowing himself a small amount of time to feel bad for nearly hitting Pearl in the face with it as he hopped down the stairs. 

Steven kept his head hanging low as he pattered across the beach, stopping once he stumbled into the towering shadows of the Diamond’s. He didn’t need to look up to know they where in front of him, but they’re shocked gasp at his pitiful state betrayed their presence anyhow. It seemed that the Diamonds were never subtle, but Steven couldn’t say he was surprised. 

For as loud and obnoxious as the Diamonds were, Steven tried his best to tune out their concerned dotings, and the Gems tiresome explanation of his condition for what must have been the _millionth_ time by now. They’d probably told the Diamonds already, so did it even matter? Steven _didn’t need_ to hear it. He _didn’t want_ to hear it. He’d _already heard it_ enough! So, he stood there dutifully, eyes trained on the fine grains of sand underfoot. 

“Steven.” Garnet called, pulling him away from his thoughts.  
“Huh?” He started surprised raising his head slightly to meet her stoic gaze.  
“We’re leaving.” She told him simply. Likely not for the first time.  
“Oh.” He responded flicking his gaze back to the ground. He was kinda hoping they could’ve stayed here a little longer. It was nice here. The ocean was always calming for Steven and the fact it wasn’t a constant reminder of his mum was a huge plus for him! It wasn’t like the fountain which was _always_ a _constant_ reminder of the _massive mess_ of a legacy his mother had left hanging over him—

He really _didn’t_ want to go the fountain. _It wasn’t going to work_. So, _what was the point?_ This was all _so_ hopeless! But the Gems where as restless as ever, and they _would_ be taking him. Whether he liked it or not...

Unfortunately, with the instantaneous Warp technology Gemkind had developed, it didn’t take long to get to the fountain. Not long at all. Steven hung back, walking silently behind the Gems who vigilantly kept an eye on him, as if they expected him to run again. It was a nice thought, but Steven _hated_ the idea of being stuck _here_ and he doubted he’d even manage to get far with how _little_ energy he’d had as of late...

Steven let out a surprised yelp as something snagged on his trousers, causing him to fall flat on his face as he attempted to dislodge it. He’d been too busy glaring at the Gems whilst he daydreamed to be paying a sufficient amount attention to his surroundings. Steven in his panic, tried to throw himself back to his feet immediately, but his movements were too frantic and his clumsy pair of arms knocked into each other, causing him to fall back to floor swiftly. Not to mention the fact that Steven’s leg was still stuck. He snorted, feeling his panic grow faster as he tried to dislodge himself again frantically. 

“Steven, stop.” He froze as he felt Garnet’s steady hand against his back, his only movements being his lungs heaving desperately for breath. “Your making it worse.” She released her hand after a moment, when she was sure Steven wouldn’t continue his senseless and futile struggle. He didn’t make a move, begrudgingly letting Garnet help him. It turns out the culprit to his little fall was simply some stray thorns from and a bramble bush he had stupidly paid no heed to. 

“Are you two alright?” Pearl asked after a moment. Steven looked up, seeing everyone had stopped. _He_ was holding them up. _He_ was just making everything _worse_for himself. 

Steven stood up to his feet, feeling dizzy for only a moment at the sudden movement. He turned his head to the floor in a petty attempt to hide his embarrassment and shame at his own stupidity. So much for _not_ being a wreck. 

“I’m fine.” He insisted harshly, clenching his hands into fists. “Let’s just go.” He finished stalking past the Gems and holding his head up higher in attempt to demonstrate that he was in fact _fine_ and that _nothing_ was _wrong_, when that clearly _wasn’t_ true and he clearly _wasn’t_ fooling _anyone_ anymore—

The Gems just shared a concerned glance before continuing down the path to his mother’s fountain. Steven just wanted to go home. 

When they got there, Steven let the Diamond’s enter first before stepping in himself under their expectant gazes and just as he had predicted, it didn’t work. _Nothing_ was going to work. He was beyond the point of saving. Beyond help. There was no going back now for he was simply a lost cause on a spiralling path of destruction. There was no helping him. This was pointless. The Gems where simply wasting their time on someone as pitiful as him. Steven wasn’t sure if it was just the Corruption taking it’s hold on his mind, but he genuinely _couldn’t_ figure out _why_ they would want to save him _so much_, when they all knew there was clearly no stopping this—

Steven slept restlessly upon their return, deciding to take a nap. This was usual, on the odd occasion that he did manage to drift off into the abyss, it never treated him well, instead gifting him with long repressed memories and turmoils he had tried so hard to put behind him. It seemed though, despite his best efforts to put the past behind him, they too where futile and petty and where clearly getting him nowhere, because there was no escape now, and Steven was sure these insecurities would start leaking into the waking world with his clear and obvious deterioration that showed no signs of slowing down. 

But Steven’s dream was particularly unsettling this time. He’d found himself back in the fountain, except it wasn’t the same as it had been when they’d gone there for real. The only things around him where the towering statues of his mother, looking down upon and entrapping him. He was in the water. It was cold and deftly lapping around him in lurching motions. Steven already felt panicked as he looked into his mother’s piercing gaze, unable to move, gaze completely locked. It was deathly quiet, the only sounds Steven’s heavy breaths rattling in his chest. The quiet before the storm...

“...Mum...” Steven mumbled quietly under his breath, voice barely a whisper. He lifted a hand slowly, as if reaching out to her but stopped suddenly feeling an apprehensive anxiety slam into him. Mere moments later, Steven yelped, surprised as something sharp tugged at his foot, digging harshly into his skin. Before he had a chance to react any further, it pulled him under, Steven harshly gasping sharply for breath as he went. He struggled ferociously under the water, kicking, and flailing but to no avail. Steven eyes stung and he could hardly see under the tinted, glowing water but it looked like thorns where pulling him down. Sharp and jagged. Never ending. 

Steven coughed harshly, feeling his heart slamming in his chest. He had to get out. Kicking against the vines feebly, Steven glanced desperately up to the surface of the pool, as if wishing for it inch closer but all he was greeted with was the blurred silhouette of his mother. Dark and fuzzy. Glaring down at his misfortune. Forever unmoving.

Steven coughed again, this time harder, the unexpected motion pushing his mouth open. He gasped violently only to get a mouthful of sweet tasting water that only caused him to cough harder again. He felt his limbs grow numb and his eyelids grow heavy as he looked to the ever fading illusion of his mother. He reached out a hand up to her feebly, as if begging, pleading for someone to save him, but the only response he got were the sharp vines dragging him further and further away, digging into his foot. 

_...Mum..._ Steven’s single thought rung throw his mind as his eyes fluttered close and his mind slipped away—

Steven had jolted awake, shooting upright and as scream escaped his mouth. He breathed in sharp and ragged breaths, still feeling dizzy from the memory. He glanced around the dark, feeling his anxiety creeping up on him again. But he was alone. No one was coming to save him. He was alone, alone _alone_.

Steven huddled in on himself as a small sob escaped his mouth, head buried in his knees. It was suffice to say he wasn’t going back to sleep that night...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh sorry this chapter took so long, I got really distracted binging anime!!  
And damn those new Future episodes??? Those hurt!! I can’t wait for the new episodes, coming eventually XD  
And I mean this chapter probably hurts but like, at least it isn’t Cannon, right??? XDD  
You can all blame my friend for that dream sequence at the end, she gave me the idea when she was setting up a joke about Rose being a thot and it was too good not to use XDD  
I guess this chapter has been cursed by her again, but at least I finally got her to watch Future with me!!! XD  
Anyway, I hope this chapter was worth the wait!!  
Oh and, happy 2020!!! I can’t believe it’s here already!!  
Enjoy!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!!!  
(Also, I had to reupload this because my phone completely messed up all the HTML text and just freaked the hell out so I had to fix it, so hopefully it’s normal now!!! XD)


	7. Keeping It Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has a dream. High jinks ensue.

Weeks blurred together for Steven as his condition worsened, little of particular interest happening to stick out to him in memory. His Corruption was spreading and worsening to the point that he was starting to loose himself. He kept forgetting important things, and it was only strengthening his emotional turmoil. He was scared. He was angry. He was lost. He was loosing...

It became obvious only weeks after the Gems and the Diamonds had tried to heal him. He’d passed out on the couch whilst the Gems where out— probably trying to find more useless attempts at healing him. Admittedly, he was probably a little delirious. He felt horrible and sick, that’s why he’d decided to take another nap. He was hoping he could sleep it off, but that was quickly proven to be hopeless too.

Steven woke up in a dream. The sky was dark and ominous, and the only thing around him seemed to be a singular white butterfly, glowing in the dark. Steven pushend himself up on wobbly feet, slowly making his way over to the delicately flapping wings. He reached out a hand gingerly towards it, but faltered as a sudden anxiety passed through him. The butterfly fluttered away on it’s dainty wings, and he watched it tentatively despite his instincts screaming at him to leave. Once he looked up fully he jumped, falling right onto his butt as he came face to face the with his pink double. 

Steven looked up to him, locking his eyes with himself as the butterfly continued to dance in the distance. 

Steven went to open his mouth, but was quickly interrupted by his pink carbon copy. 

“Stop.” He said in a monotone voice, leaving no room to argue.   
“W—what?” Steven stuttered, feeling fear continue to grip at his chest.   
“Stop fighting it.” He clarified, sounding quite angry despite his face remaining blank. His form was glitching a little in the dark, vast space they’d come to be in. 

“What?” Steven repeated, mind raising as his heart thumped in his chest.  
“You’re making it worse!” He responded, voice getting louder.  
“What do you mean?” He levelled his own anxiety making him start to snap back at his counterpart’s needless aggression.   
“If you give in now, it’ll just be easier for everyone. There’s no need to drag it out for so long.” His Double stated simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.   
“But—, we can’t just—!” Steven tried to argue.   
“No!” Pink Steven interrupted harshly. “You’re making everything difficult again. It’d all be over if you just listened.” Steven flinched at the harsh tone and volume of his voice, folding in on himself. His vision filled promptly with flapping white wings, the sound now filling his ears. After a few heartbeats, he steeled another glance upwards, watching the mesmerising and dangerous hoard. Steven could hardly pick up his pink counterpart now in the violent storm, but... he looked scared. Just like him.

But, he was him.

Steven felt his mind fizz and his vision blur as he was being gently pushed back into the waking world, but...

... Who was he supposed to be again...?

Steven panicked when he woke up, acting purely on instinct and lunging straight to try and bite Pearl’s prodding arm. She jumped back surprised, raising a hand to her mouth as she gasped, shocked. Steven growled at her trying to get her to back off. Garnet made a move quickly as always, pushing Pearl back once she entered the living room. She stopped besides the couch, summoning up her gauntlets. Steven flinched at the action but didn’t back down. It was only when Garnet reached out to grab him he reacted, attempting to dart off the arm of the couch. Garnet however was clearly prepared for this as Steven went barrelling straight into her other arm, promptly being trapped as she retracted the first arm to hold him in place. He let out a distressed shout, trying to break free from her grip desperately. Garnet tightened her grip a little in response, causing Steven to freeze suddenly at the act, muscles seizing up. He paused, trying to think through the fuzz and anxiety clouding his mind, only to come to the most irrational conclusion.

She was going to _poof_ him. _He had to get away—_!

_—No!_

Steven let out another distressed cry as he was placed in his room, still victim to his own panic. Garnet left promptly as Steven huddled up in his bed, conflicted and scared. He stayed there under his duvet again, trembling furiously under his bed until he drifted off into another fitful and light sleep. He was exhausted from his panic, and endlessly spiralling inner turmoil.

The Gems left not long after Steven fell asleep. He could tell because the Warp had startled him half-awake. He really wasn’t surprised they’d left, and some part of him would’t be surprised if they just left him alone here forever. He wasn’t really Steven anymore. He wasn’t _their_ Steven anymore. Their Steven would _never_ make them _cry_ like that. _Scare_ them like that.

He was a _monster_. 

He didn’t _deserve_ them. He didn’t _deserve_ their help at all! It was all pointless, useless, worthless, _like him—_!

He couldn’t even try to console them now. He couldn’t pretend to be fine. He could hardly even think anymore, let alone form a coherent and convincing sentence. Because _he wasn’t fine_!

But, he had to _at least_ try to keep it together! _At least_ for a little while longer. If not for him, he should _do it for them_, because _clearly_ Steven was putting them through _hell—_!

And maybe if he kept it up long enough he’d be _fine_ again...

... but he _wasn’t fine_.

... He was _never fine_...

And in the end, it was _always his fault_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the ideas for this chapter and the next at like 2am because I couldn’t sleep XD  
Originally the two chapters where gonna be combined, but I think it’ll work better if they’re separate so, this one’s a little short but I had a lot of fun writing it XD  
That’s probably for the best anyway because I’ve been back at school for like 3 days and already have like, 50 million things to do XDD  
Anyway, enjoy!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!


	8. When It Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot babysit Steven. Hijinks ensue.

Steven spent most of his time locked away in his room now. Most of the time, he wasn’t even sure what he’d done to upset the Gems, but whatever it was it must have been bad. Amethyst was avoiding him, Pearl wouldn’t even look him and Garnet wouldn’t touch him— not without her gauntlets, and even then she would only do it if she had too. They were punishing him and he couldn’t remember why. He may not remember much at all half the time, but it still hurt. It hurt, and he didn’t know what to do. How was he supposed to deal with being hurt? He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything! It made him mad. So angry that he didn’t know what to do, except lash out helplessly at the people who were so desperately trying to save him. He was making everything worse! It was like he was stuck in some endless cycle of madness— he wanted to get out—!

But, something was still holding him back. Something small and quiet and _weak_. It was insufferable. It _would go_ eventually, even if for now it _had to stay._

It was even worse on the rare occasions he was aware of what he was doing. Everything was a strange blur, like Steven was trying to recall something he wasn’t present for. Someone else’s life. But then he would suddenly be slammed back into his own head, still incredibly lost and confused. Still feeling like wasn’t really in control. It would always make him so incredibly scared. And he would slowly sit, normally ceasing whatever chaos he had been previously causing. Sometimes, when he was alone he would just cry. But he would always loose himself again eventually, when he got too overwhelmed, or scared, or angry, or _just—_ anything!

Sometimes when Steven was aware enough, he wondered if the Gems would treat him like a rampaging monster if they knew he was still here. Somewhere. Lost. But— at the same time, he knew it wasn’t their fault. He deserved to be treated like a monster, anyway. Really, he was one deep down and he would be even worse soon, when that monster surfaced to rear it’s ugly head at them all. He knew they probably didn’t mean to upset him, but...

He deserved it, right? He didn’t know what he’d done but, if they were this angry with him then it must’ve been bad right? Then _he must_ deserve it!

... What was he talking about again...?

Steven jumped, startled by the gentle chime of the Warp Pad downstairs, surprised by it’s sudden activation. That probably meant that one of the Gems had left, or it meant that Peridot and Lapis had come again. To be honest, Steven kinda of hoped it wasn’t the latter. Sure, he did enjoy their company, what with them treating him more like _their_ Steven than a monster. Even if he probably didn’t deserve it, but— he didn’t think they where coming here just to hang out with him. They were probably here to check-up on him. He hated check-ups. He hadn’t had one since he first lost his grip on himself and that one had been a mess. Steven had been very panicked and confused from having no idea what was happening anymore. Being poked and prodded at certainly didn’t help Steven feel better. It just made him even more agitated. He’d voiced that agitation the only way he knew how — by trying to fight them off...

It probably wasn’t the best idea in hindsight, but what else was supposed to do? The Gems had freaked out and Steven had attempted to bolt, only to be caught once again by Garnet. He’d panicked and tried to escape from her grip but Garnet wasn’t going to let up this time either, and Steven ended up being promptly pinned down by her. He only gave up after a few more minutes of thrashing around and snapping at the Gems, but even then he never stopped growling at Peridot’s encroaching hands. The Gems had another argument afterwards. Steven had gone to sleep, feeling incredibly exhausted from the days events.

It was definitely a lot better when they’d babysat him before. It wasn’t so eventful. So chaotic. It was certainly better than when any of the other Gems looked after him—

Steven didn’t notice at first when Pearl walked into his room. Not until she knelt down right in front of him.

“Steven.” She said. He blinked, glancing up at her. 

“Steven.” She tried again, this time a little more harsh. “I need you to come downstairs with me, Alright?” They lapped into silence. Steven made no move to get up. Pearl sighed exasperated, before walking over to the door frame. 

“I don’t think he’s going to come!” She called downstairs. “We might have to try carrying him again.” Suddenly, something clicked in Steven’s mind at Pearl’s words, and he decided firmly that that certainly _wasn’t_ happening. He scrabbled to his feet, a little riled up as he leaped off his bed, barrelling past Pearl as he nearly knocked her over. He continued to scrabble down the stairs but ended up slipping near the bottom, clumsy on 6 legs, his limited grip on the wooden floor not being of much help either. 

“Oh, Steven!” Pearl exclaimed as she hopped down the stairs after him, seeming very worn out from his antics. “You should be more careful.” Steven huffed making no further attempt to move as he lay stomach down on the floor. “Are you alright?” She asked kneeling down a little. Steven glanced up at her feeling anxious at her approach, some part of him also feeling frustrated at the question. Of course _he_ wasn’t okay! Did he look _okay_? He doubted it. He probably looked like a lost, monstrous mess of a being— 

Steven halted his jumbled train of thought as he heaved himself up to his feet, causing Pearl to flinch away a little. He only felt bad for a few heartbeats before his anger resurfaced and he backed up a little, careful not to trip this time. He stopped once he hit the wall of the house, keeping his eye on Pearl as she retreated, heading over to the other Gems. He sat there silently as they nattered quietly among themselves. Eventually they where interrupted by the subtle beat of Pearl’s phone. Steven raised his head to the sound, suddenly becoming aware of the world again. He wondered what was making such a noise, and he wondered who Pearl was talking to when she placed the phone to her ear.

Eventually, Pearl sighed placing her phone back into her Gem.

“That was Bismuth.” She informed. “She needs some help at Little Homeworld.” It’s not majorly important, but—,”  
“But, what?” Amethyst asked heading over to the Warp. “Let’s just go. I’m sure Lapis and Peri’ve got it handled, right guys?”  
“I’m sure we could manage fine without you.” Peridot shrugged as she began pulling random bits of equipment out of her bag.  
“But—,” Pearl tried to argue before Amethyst interrupted her again.  
“Come on, P. They said they’d be fine. Let’s just go see what Bismuth wants.”  
“We could always call you— you know, if we need your help again.” Lapis shrugged a little, careful not to offend the already antsy Gem. Pearl sighed in defeat, slumping her shoulders before heading over to join Amethyst at the Warp.

“Alright.” Pearl started, tone a little stern. “But, be _careful_. And, please, do call us if you need anything.”  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Amethyst shrugged rolling her eyes. “Have fun you two!” She called out to them before activating Warp. Lapis chuckled a little, bidding goodbye to the two as they went. Peridot turned to her, fiddling with some of her equipment she’d littered across the floor.

“Now can we start?” She asked a little impatient.  
“I guess.” Lapis replied shrugging again, before turning to face Steven. “Steven!” She called out to him startling him from his daydreaming again, much like the Warp had done moments before. “Can you come here, please?” She asked gesturing him forwards. Steven paused, hesitating before wearily getting to his feet and heading over to the Gems. He let out a small grumble as he sat at their feet, a half-hearted warning for them to _stay away_ from him.

Peridot set her monitor besides her, before reaching out a hand to Steven. Steven flinched back instinctively growling at her, suddenly realising what was going on. He’d already predicted this but they’d still managed to catch him off guard. He had to get the upper hand on them before something bad happened—

Peridot was about to try again, but Lapis beat her too it. She let out a frustrated sound, already getting fed up.

“Steven!” She reprimanded, voice raising as she stepped closer towards him. “Stop being so _difficult_! You’re just making everything _harder_ than it _needs_ to be!” Steven growled at her louder in response, angered by the familiarity of the sentence.  
“Lapis!” Peridot chided. “Stop it! You’re just making him _more_ scared!”  
“Oh yeah?” Lapis asked rounding on her instead. “How would you know?”  
“Because! He’s literally trying to hide from you now!” Peridot defended, gesturing back to Steven. He backed up further in response to the action, shrinking away from the chaos as he continued to growl harshly at the pair. 

“But Steven should _know_ we won’t hurt him! He has nothing to even _be_ afraid of!” Lapis continued to argue, ever frustrated.  
“But, Steven _doesn’t_ know that! He doesn’t _know anything!_ All he knows is there’s a couple of angry Gems fighting in front of him— _scaring_ him! That’s _threatening_!”  
“But, how would _you_ know that?” Lapis repeated, throwing her arms up in frustration.  
“Because! It’s obvious that he’s scared of something, and it’s obviously us! Otherwise, why would he—,” Peridot tried to continue her argument, but was swiftly cut off by Lapis.  
“Well if it’s _so_ obvious _to you_, then you _don’t_ need _my_ help. Do you?” She asked sarcastically turning away before Peridot could even try and defend herself further.  
“Lapis!” She called after her, the only response she got being the loud slam of the door as Lapis stormed out. Peridot sighed, staying sat on the floor for a moment before she became alert to Steven quietly whimpering in the corner.

“Oh, Steven.” Peridot sighed again, crawling over to the couch before kneeling down to peer under it, trying to figure out where he was hiding. She could just see him at the very back of the couch, wedged between it and the wall, form trembling slightly. She pushed herself up to her feet before kneeling atop it, trying to peep at him from above. 

“It’s okay.” She told him quietly, trying to calm him down a little. “Lapis is just— worried.” Steven blinked up at her, unmoving. “I know you’re scared too but we all are really. We don’t know what’s going to happen. But that’s okay. Things are just— Iike that sometimes, right? And I’m sure it’ll be okay eventually, even if the odds aren’t very high but— that’s what you’d do, right? You’d hope for the best and try your best to make it happen. We have to do that. Otherwise we’re just going to fall apart...” Peridot trailed off, glancing briefly at the door feeling a little bad. She looked back to Steven after a moment who was still watching her with dark, slitted eyes that glinted like glass despite the darkness under the couch. Peridot let out a small smile as she spoke up again.

“Why don’t you come out of there so I can check up on you? I know you don’t like it, but I’ll try to be quick.” Peridot hesitated, briefly glancing back at the door. “Besides, I should probably check on Lapis once she’s calmed down a little...” Steven thought that sounded fair enough. Peridot seemed to be telling him the truth, so there was no threat, right? Besides, if she was quick then he could take a good nap, and it wouldn’t happen any quicker if he stayed holed up in the couch forever. 

And maybe some part of him felt more calm than it had in weeks, even if he wouldn’t admit it, but right now? The fluttering anxiety in his chest had settled to a somewhat dull ache. The storm ebbing away for _at least_ a little while...

It was nice while it lasted...

Thankfully, Peridot _was_ quite quick with the checkup, even if it still took too long for Steven’s liking. She tried to be gentler with him this time, so as not to startled him, a stark contrast to the roughness Garnet often seemed to handle him with. In the end, it remained mostly uneventful with Steven only trying to scratch or bite at Peridot and her a equipment a few times. Pretty impressive, if you ask him. He settled down on the couch as Peridot packed up her stuff meticulously, before heading over to the door. She paused as she reached for the handle, turning back to face Steven. 

“Hey!” She called to get his attention. Steven piqued open an eye to gaze at her tiredly. “You behave whilst I’m gone, okay? Don’t get into any trouble. I won’t be _that_ long. And— I know I’m not really supposed to let you outside, but I’m going to leave the door open anyway. Just in case you need me for something.” Steven huffed closing his eye again as he shifted, repositioning himself on the couch. Peridot decided to take that as affirmation he would do as he was told, so she responded with a single, “good,” before heading out the door. She made sure to leave it slightly ajar as she left, just in case. Peridot spotted Lapis quite quickly. She was sat opposite the house by the ocean, tide dragging around her feet. It was quiet today, and Peridot could see why Steven liked the beach so much. She supposed it really was calming after all.

Peridot walked down the steps silently heading over to Lapis. She sat down on the beach besides her, making sure to keep a small distance between them, whilst also trying not to get her feet wet as the tide lapped to and throw. They stayed silent for a moment, simply just watching the waves as they came and went. Peridot spoke up after a few moments. 

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” She asked turning to face her.  
“The ocean?” Lapis questioned meeting her gaze.  
“Yeah.” She affirmed facing back to the restless blue expanse. Lapis followed suit, turning back to the lapping ocean before replying.

“Yeah. I suppose it is.” The two remained silent for a heartbeat before Peridot went to speak up again, only to be beaten by Lapis.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you.” She told her continuing to hug her knees closely to her chest. “I’m just—, _really_ worried about Steven and I got a little frustrated, because I don’t know what to do to help him. But—, I shouldn’t have taken it out you. You where just trying to help too. I should’ve seen that! You just, seemed to know exactly what to do, and I still don’t even know where to start with him!” She explained, trailing off her rambled explanation. 

“It’s okay.” Peridot replied after a moment. “I understand. I’m worried about Steven too, and— you know I only know this stuff about Corrupt _because of_ Steven, right? Without him, I probably would’ve been pretty lost too.”  
“Really?” Lapis asked turning to face her.  
“Yeah.” Peridot nodded meeting her curious gaze. “I had to try and catch one those Gems with Steven once. I thought it’d be really easy, but it wasn’t. I just thought all Corrupted Gems where stupid, so I kept trying to outsmart them... It didn’t really work. But later on, Steven started throwing his confectionary pop-rocks at me, and I got really mad and confused, because— I didn’t know what he was doing!” Peridot threw her hands up dramatically, reliving her frustration for a brief moment before settling back down. “But, then he just told me that was how the Corrupted Gems feel. Scared and confused because they didn’t remember anything, and easily provoked as a result. They just act on instinct— like Steven is doing now. He suggested I should try to think like them, in order to catch them.” Peridot added after the comment, finishing her story.  
“Did that work?” Lapis asked still curious, although a small smirk was playing at her lips.  
“... Yes, it did. Well, mostly.” Peridot affirmed after a moment, a little embarrassed as she recalled the ensuing fight with the Corrupted Gem after having humiliatingly flapped her tongue at it. And the Gems had been there the whole time, watching her failures! Lapis chuckled a little before speaking up again.

“That’s sweet Peridot. And, I see what Steven was saying. It makes a lot of sense.” Peridot nodded, attempting to hide her continued embarrassment. “And it sounds like it was pretty funny to watch, but you left Steven alone, right? We should probably head back inside now to check on him.” Lapis finished, starting to stand, Peridot following suit a moment later. 

“Oh, yeah. He’s probably fine though. I left the door open in case he wanted anything.” She informed a little nonchalant.  
“Peridot!” Lapis admonished loudly, turning to head to the house sharply. “The Gems would be furious if something happened to him!”  
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Peridot insisted as she headed up the stairs, Lapis already at the door. She let out a sigh of relief as she saw Steven snoring quietly on the couch. She turned to face Peridot as she walked through the door, swatting her lightly on the arm.

“Don’t scare me like that.” She chided, jokingly.  
“Sorry!” Peridot replied, holding her hands up in defence.  
“You better be.” Lapis joked as she headed towards the couch, sitting besides Steven. Peridot joined her, picking up her tablet on the way. They sat there silently for a while, Peridot fiddling with her tablet and Lapis gently running her hand through Steven’s hair as he slept soundly for the first time in a while.

It was nice. Calm. Peaceful. At least for a little while. 

Eventually though, Pearl and Amethyst returned, startling Steven out of his slumber. He shot up a little dreary from his nap, before scrabbling off the couch and back to the safety of his room, eager to take refuge.

No one mentioned it. 

Steven nestled into his bed silently, still feeling tired and suddenly feeling quite alone at the sudden loss of contact. Despite this he did fall back to sleep eventually, but this time it was disturbed and fitful. Steven was lonely and scared and his stomach was aching again... He was in _so much pain_...!

Something was _wrong_! He _couldn’t_ let _this happen_! Steven yelped surprised as a second rush of pain washed over him, falling off his bed in a panic as he tried to scrabble to his feet again, perhaps thinking he _could still_ get away _from this_. As if. 

Steven’s arms shook as he knelt on the floor, second pair of arms clutching feebly at his stomach. He collapsed after a few moments, arms giving out beneath him as his vision clouded, heart beating fast in his chest like frantically flapping wings...

_He_ had to _get out_! He _had_ too...!

But...

He was so, _so_ tired...

Steven’s eyes fell shut as his aches grew dull, mind going blank as he gave into the pain...

_... I’m sorry..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I finally finished proof reading this chapter!! This has literally just been sat in my notes for ages like half finished I can’t XD  
Anyway, I hope this chapter was worth the wait, I promise Steven doesn’t just like Peri and Lapis because they’re some of my faves, I have well thought out reasons for his relationships with the Gems now so if anyone wants to hear it I’d be happy to share!  
I also forgot how funny the ending of Kindergarten Kid was with Peridot Just running over to that monster and blepping at it. I also don’t think I will ever get over the great announcement of, ‘I can’t take this dirty tongue flapper seriously’ XD  
And just case it was confusing those ‘confectionary pop rocks’ were Steven’s marshmallows, Peridot calls them that in the episode, just because it’s Peridot XD  
And the ending was so sweet with the bubble just going back to the barn, Peri’s home— I just  
Love this show so much XDD  
Anyway that’s enough rambling, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, once again cursed and partly proof read by my friend so thanks for that guys XDD  
Enjoy!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!


	9. Can’t Go Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven’s dwells on his worsening condition...

It was suffice to say Steven’s condition didn’t show much improvement in the next few days. In fact, it only seemed to be getting steadily worse. He found himself being conscious less and less. He was lashing out more and _more_, even at his Dad and Connie who were only ever _nice_ to _him_. All _they_ wanted was to _help_ him, so why was he so, _so_ mad?

Eventually, the Gems decided they _couldn’t_ keep _him_ in the house anymore. He was getting harder and _harder_ to contain, especially with his ever more frequent outbursts, and his steadily growing size. The Corruption was spreading, and it seemed to only continue. It seemed that _the Gems_ had given up on _trying_ to help _him. They’d_ lost all hope in _him_...

... _He_ hadn’t given up yet... 

Not yet, at least...

But— that _didn’t_ matter! It was only a matter of days until the Gems decided _they’d_ had _enough. He had to go_.

So they’d moved him, with great difficultly, into the forest somewhere. If Steven recalled correctly, it was same forest behind Little Homeworld and the same forest Jasper had taken residence in, but he was way too far away from any civilisation to know for sure. He could be anywhere! Lost, lonely, scared, and oh _so afraid_—

But, it was probably better this way. He would cause everyone _much_ less trouble this way. He wouldn’t be a _burden_ on them. Couldn’t cause _anymore_ trouble for _them. It was better this way_! They could just _forget about him! All_ their _problems_ would be solved _without him_—!

They still never left him completely alone, though. Even if it would be _better_ for _them_. They’d always be watching him from the shadows. Constantly vigilant. It was almost as if they didn’t think he’d notice. He _always_ did.

It probably had something to do with the fact there wasn’t much to do in the forest on his own, his instincts always alerting him to any small skitters in the undergrowth. 

Most of the time, he’d find himself closing off almost completely in his deep-rooted sadness. He hadn’t seen Garnet nor Pearl properly in a long while. Hadn’t seen Amethyst since she got frustrated and yelled— as if _that_ ever _fixed_ anything! He just _didn’t_ even bother to respond anymore. _Think_, anymore. It’s not like _he_ had anything _useful_ to say anyway. Right now, he’d be quite content to listen if anyone _actually_ even _bothered_ to talk to _him_. He wasn’t really sure if _he could_ even talk anymore. His thoughts were broken and distorted, and his jaw had contorted into an unfamiliar shape as his Corruption only worsened. So, maybe it was better if he _didn’t even try_ in the first place. His theoretically _pathetic_ attempts would surely just make _everyone_ feel _worse_ for _him. Make them_ hate _him even more_.

So he would just sit there all day, unmoving in his new spot on the forest floor. Sometimes, he’d watch the animals scurrying around the undergrowth. At least _they_ didn’t _hate him_. Well, actually, they probably did. He was just some _monster_ that had come and invaded _their_ home. He would never really know though, _they_ couldn’t _ talk either. They were animals_.

Sometimes he’d just stare at the trees instead, their leaves rustling and drifting away in the breeze. Sometimes, he’d flop over to look up at the clouds, dusty and grey as they too drifted away in the gentle breeze. Sometimes, it made him think of his mother and then he’d be mad until he was just _sad_ again, and then he’d decide it would probably just be best if he took a _very_ long nap.

Steven _didn’t like_ sleeping. It always _darker_ and _scarier_ when he was finally allowed into the dark depths of his mind. Besides, he _had_ to _keep it together_, no matter what _he’d_ have to _give up_ to _do it_. It was _much_ better to just stare into the void and cling onto whatever control he had left. It was surely _worse_ if the void stared back, Pink faced, and too bitter for his own shoes—

But he _could_ do it.

He _could_ cling onto his humanity however desperately.

He could do this forever, right? It really was simple! S—second nature!

Just a normal, average routine for a teenage boy!

But, eventually, he _couldn’t_. Couldn’t _do it_ anymore. In the light autumn breeze, and swirling ensemble of leaves, something slipped away in Steven’s mind as he drifted off into an exhausted slumber. His mind was numb as the clouds prepared to storm, his body ready to surrender in exhaustion. And eventually, Steven felt his mind slip away into oblivion, as the wind gently ruffled whatever was left of his torn up jacket. But this time, it was _lonely_. This time it was _quiet_. Because _this time_, he’d lost....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, had this in my drafts for ages but I’ve only just found the time to proof read it! It’s a little short as it’s mostly here to set up the next chapter, but I hope you enjoyed! I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for nearly 5 months, but at the same time, it feels weird I’ve nearly finished it XD  
I also can’t believe Future’s coming out next week! I’m so excited for the angst, but also very scared for our poor boy XDD  
I also unfortunately have a maths mock on the exact same day it comes out so that’s fun >:/  
Anyway, that’s enough from me! Hope you enjoyed and see you (hopefully) soon for the next chapter!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I’ve practically spent two days working on this thing because school just really doesn’t want me to finish publishing it XDD. I’m so excited to finally have finished it, I love this theory so much and there’s already so many school stories about it!! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter!!  
~YLJH AWAY!!!!!!


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